Archive for the 'Peace in the Chaos' Category
05-30-2008
Peace in the Chaos
Each of us face challenges, that is just the reality of our human condition. At times we can feel backed into a corner, helpless and left questioning… Why??? What? How?
I confess, I don’t immediately go to a place of gratitude when I am faced with pain or challenge, I usually spin awhile, and yes question. Due to my inability to get out of my own head during such times, God sends me hope in the voice of wise spiritual counsel (the HS) and in holy friends accompanying me on the journey. It is often through their faith I find hope I can cling to, that which helps guide me through the fog & chaos and guides me toward the light.
This past weekend we were at mass with my friend Tracie who was visiting from
Dallas. As we settled into our chairs, Jac began to have intense seizures (one on top of the other). There was hardly room in the pew for him to sprawl out on me as he was attempting to do in his discomfort, so I got up to take him somewhere he could lie down. When I stood to leave with Jac, Brooke (Mama’s girl) began to scream and cry uncontrollably; “Mommy, mommy, I want my mommy!” With all eyes on us now, in what was formerly a somewhat quiet sanctuary, Instinctively, Tracie (single mama of five) swooped Brooke into her arms and headed for the nearest exit.
I settled onto the floor in a back corner of the church and held Jac as he laid ontop of me jerking erratically. My head was spinning (Is Tracie okay with Brooke? Is Brett okay with Josh and Luke? Why is Jac having so many seizures? Is he going to be okay?) At the sign of peace a woman (who had been watching us and sending over occasional glances of compassion) walked toward us, leaned over (since we were still on the floor unable to get up) and put her hand on my head. She blessed me without saying a word. I looked up at her fighting back the tears in my eyes and saw her doing the same thing. That eye connection was one of the most intimate exchanges I remember receiving during the sign of the peace. With the blessing of her hands, her gentle touch, and her soul-full eyes, she was extending to me unconditional peace. This is peace that co-exists with chaos. Not a peace that is only experienced when I am sitting by the ocean listening to the calm of the waves, or when I’m praying in silence, or when my life is sailing along without ruffle, but true peace – peace that exists in the chaos. That kind of peace ignites hope. Hope I might not always feel, but I am learning more and more that I can trust in.
Following communion , as I was praying (talking to God), I found myself back in a place of questioning. (“How in the world do you expect me to do all this, to handle it all?”) It was then I heard His gentle whisper, “but you didn’t have to- did you?” I realized in that moment that God had sent us help and hope. He sent Tracie reminding me that He will always provide, always send me what I need, and never ask me to go it alone. He also sent me the compassionate woman at communion, who reminded me of connected compassion, a physical extension of peace in the chaos. I could have easily missed these God encounters as I was entangled in my own spinning chaotic mind. But God revealed something else to me (even in my questioning), that I (we) are not alone. He sends us help, He gives us hope and when we allow ourselves to stop questioning and to take a break from spinning, then we can experience peace in the chaos.
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